completions, endings and beginnings
on the last Sunday of April, i hosted my monthly virtual Patreon “Tiny Couch Gathering.” as is often the case, it was a wonderful opportunity for me to drop in with one of my most loyal Patrons - just the two of us. as i usually do beforehand, i consulted some of my favorite divination tools.
this time i pulled a rune, Inguz/Fertility, and a Mother Mary card, Our Lady of The Resurrection. given that we were still in the aura of the eclipse and we just celebrated Beltane (the first day of summer to some), the combination of messages couldn’t have been more perfect. it was all about completions, endings and beginnings.
this has definitely been the theme in my life so far this year. it kind of feels like a microcosm of what’s happening in the world. everywhere i look there’s more news of unrest, violence and challenge when it comes to our sociopolitical experience… too many endings to process. but, when i get off the computer (a really, really good idea) and into the world in front of me, all i see is the beauty of this glorious season. sometimes it just feels like a big mess of cognitive dissonance.
that said, when i take the time to sit quietly, the words that continue to come through as i sift through it all are “presence” and “simplify.” so i took some time to do a cost/benefit analysis of all the online platforms i’m currently on. in doing so, i got some much-needed clarity which feels really, really good.
the upshot is that i decided to simplify my website, pare down the blog i’d been writing since 2008 and start writing on Substack. because, really, after a long stint of trying to prove my worth through busyness and allowing my self doubt to rule the day, what i want to do more than anything is write.
writing is when i feel the most engaged. the most connected to the world. the most me.
if you really knew me…
you’d know i’ve been writing poetry about being human and the more than human world since i was a kid. i am awed by the beauty of hummingbirds, flowers, sparkling water and the sound of breezes in pine trees. i’m continually inspired by the goodness, generosity and courage of humans. at the same time, i’m utterly devastated by how cruel, callous and unconscious we can be.
i think deeply… sometimes too deeply, which can often morph into paralysis. i think about pretty much everything, especially how my generation has made a YUGE mess of so many things. and how we have a great responsibility to the ones to come and the ones who’ve gone before. for so many things.
somehow, for years (decades really), i allowed myself to get swept up in grind cult?sure and all the things that go along with it. lately, i’ve been on a journey of working to extract myself from it (again). what supports me in that work is a greater opening and listening to the wisdom from the more than human and unseen worlds. what often gets me through it all is writing, singing and sharing about the journey.
i intend to write here as often as possible. i can’t promise a regular day or even frequency; i really need to let myself off the hook of the productivity thing, for now at least. and, until i have the clear message to make this a paid space, it will be free.
that said, i hope my words offer solace, support and even inspiration to you. and i hope you feel enlivened by the observations and lessons on life and this process of unlearning, letting go and opening to the truth of being a human on Earth. it’s an honor to be here with you.
with love, gratitude and blessings always, ayreÁnna
p.s. here’s a poem i wrote two years ago after i’d been in ARTS Anonymous for a year. so f-ing grateful for that fellowship. thank you as well to Kathleen Norris for writing The Cloister Walk, particularly the chapter which inspired this poem, “Jeremiah as writer: the necessary other.”
the necessary other who am i, if not the necessary other? who would i be if i didn’t listen to the wisdom speaking from silence? to the still voice in the wind? i cannot explain why i do what i do. i can only surrender to it. does everything need an explanation? why should i have to prove myself, my existence, to anyone? do you ask a child why they feel the way they feel, or can you simply make space for their laughter? their tears? their outrage? their fears? can you be with the discomfort of not being able to relate perfectly to my experience? can you trust my otherness as undeniably necessary to human life? to life itself? can you honor the call which, to you, may seem a hobby, but for me is a permanent condition? do you have any idea how lonely it is to know, in the deepest marrow of me, that this life is entirely solitary yet also wholly communal? that my solitude, inseparable, is platform for my service? that your receiving of my gifts is what propels me to refrain from sharing company? i am no scholar. debate does not enliven me. it sucks my soul. competition and credentials have no meaning in the world in which i live. they clutter the space. my pain and wonder are my credentials. they cannot be scored, counted, quantified, charted. and thank God for that.
oh yeah. some housekeeping…
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